DON’T JUDGE ME BUT I THINK I HAVE A SECRET CRUSH ON STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE POUNDS HIS BEER by Shawn Berman

it‘s late at night and the cats are on top of my legs snoring,

presumably dreaming about chasing mice.

i am unable to sleep so i am up watching old school wwf wrestling videos on my phone when

i start to wonder how stone cold is able to chug so many beers on the top turnbuckle while maintaining his pace and balance so easily.

it seems pretty impossible especially since

not once does he stop to let out a carbonated belch or even slow down to consider the consequences of what consuming over 100 buds in under a minute can do to his bladder and bathroom schedule.

suddenly i am reminded of how ernest hemingway stole a urinal and kept it in his living room

until the day he died because it made him happy to always have a piece of his favorite bar with him—

the weird things people do to ensure that their serotonin levels are functioning properly at all times, am i right?

but i guess it makes sense because in switzerland it is illegal to own just one guinea pig since guinea pigs are social animals that are happiest when in pairs, and they are considered victims of abuse if raised without a friend.

at least that’s what i remember you telling me while we browsed that pet store in crossgates mall that one time, ya know, the one that got shut down for all those various health code violations.

i’m not totally sure what happened but rumor has it the manager got busted for slinging burritos in the back or something.

or was it drugs?

it was probably drugs.

not gonna lie—

i respect the hustle

either way.

 Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk (@dailydrunkmag). Some of his work can be found on Hobart, Maudlin House, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Follow him on Twitter @sbb_writer.