SMOKING JOE’S BAR, SOUTH SIDE, PITTSBURGH. by Dave Newman

I know I’m too old for this shit

but I when came back from pissing

and some dude was lounging on my stool

trying to chat up my wife

I stepped in and said “Can I get my seat back?”

and he looked me over

then looked over my wife

and said “You’re married to her?”

    heavy on the you and her

    to highlight the obvious

discrepancy in our looks

but he said it in a nice Irish brogue

which means

he’s either from Ireland

and vacationing in Pittsburgh

or he grew up in Pittsburgh

eating corned beefed sandwiches

and has been drinking Guinness

since noon.

Either way, I took it as a compliment—

people are often shocked that someone

as un-good-looking as me

married someone as good-looking

as my wife.

I took back my stool

and the Irish guy

disappeared into the bar.

I said to my wife “How was he?”

and she said “Kind of obnoxious but harmless”

and we went back to drinking and talking

until we were done.

As we were leaving

and here’s the part I’m too fucking old for

the Irish guy, in his friendly fake-ass Irish way

challenged me

to what I think was

a head-butting contest

so before we could work out the details

I head-butted him

right on his fucking forehead

using the top of my skull

which is not good for much else

and he stumbled back

and grabbed his forehead

then tried to look up

and tried to force a smile

which is what harmless but obnoxious people do

when confronted by their own harmless obnoxiousness.

I said “Have a good night”

and my wife and I made our way

through the crowd and onto Carson Street.

She said “That was a lot of fun”

and I said “Yeah, Smoking Joe’s is a good bar.”

Dave Newman is the author of six books, includingPlease Don’t Shoot Anyone Tonight (Broken River Books, forthcoming 2018), the novella Sammy Drinks Canned Beer (White Gorilla Press, forthcoming 2018), The Poem Factory (White Gorilla Press, 2015), the novels Raymond Carver Will Not Raise Our Children (Writers Tribe Books, 2012) andTwo Small Birds (Writers Tribe Books, 2014), and the collection The Slaughterhouse Poems (White Gorilla Press, 2013), named one of the best books of the year by L Magazine. Winner of numerous awards, including the Andre Dubus Novella Prize, he lives in Trafford, PA, the last town in the Electric Valley, with his wife, the writer Lori Jakiela, and their two children. He works in medical research, serving elders.