Drunk Driving Is NOT An Extreme Sport. by Ezhno Martin

The nature of shame

is that you want to stop

or wish you wouldn't have

but know you just can't help yourself

and I have this habit

of facefucking myself with alcohol

anytime I got a long drive ahead of me

Kids

please realize that it isn't cool

to be driving down the highway

doing like a hundred

weaving between lanes

cause suddenly you are convinced

getting to the next detour

has the same consequences as “Cannonball Run”

and maybe that Corvette in the left lane

has three times the engine as your 97 Camry

but you are at least 10 times crazier than he is

and you'll crash

passing him on the shoulder

if that's what it takes

to reach the pot'o'gold first

Last weekend wasn't the first time

this year

that I got home

and didn't remember anything past

pissing myself in a gas station

trying to get to the toilet

and realized it was too late

and everybody was watching me

pinch my now drained dick

like a sad six year old

so after I picked myself up

after slipping in the puddle

I started flinging potato chips as subeterfuge

cover fire as I crawled to the front door

hopped in my car and drove into traffic

laying on the horn

running red lights foot to the floor

till I was back on the highway

deciding this was a bonny and clyde situation

and when the blue and red lights got behind me

I wasn't gonna stop

Somewhere on back roads through cornfields

a little while later

I'd taken that deep sigh

realizing that since GPS couldn't find me anymore

the cops couldn't either

and I set my compass for south

familiar highways lulling me to the semi-sleep

of selective memory

Waking up in the passenger seat

and the search for my keys on the front lawn

is a routine I always regret

having to go through again

Kids

it's not cool

having no idea where you've been

or how you managed to escape

I laugh at so many other near misses

but swerving till I wake up to the sound

of the rumble strips on the shoulder

always fills me with the dread

of being lost

and hoping I'm not the source of anyone's loss

like my...

well, my uncles mistress

she ran over a black man

going 50 on a side street

and said afterward

when they caught up to her

cause her windshield was crushed in

that it was his fault

and she couldn't distinguish between his blackness and the asphalt

it's only fun to call her a racist

or swear you're better than her

until you're drunk and distracted

looking at porn on your phone

racing a train across the tracks

and you hit the gate on the other side

and it breaks

flying through the drivers side widow

of a parked car

and you end up passing pedestrians on the sidewalk

just trying to get the hell out of dodge

It isn't so funny anymore

when one-eying it no longer works

and you end up hiding your car behind a tree on a gravel road

and run for the ditch at the edge of the dark horizon

which you dive into for just as much sleep as you can get

before they find you

and demand an explanation

you hope comes to you in a dream

I never want it to be like this

it always starts almost innocently –

the shimmering lights of a city I've never seen

on a highway that's been dark for hours

I tell myself I'll have a beer and burger

but

I have the beer first

so it turns into 3 bourbons

and then I get on my phone and start planning my next stop

at a bar just an hour down the road

and it only adds 20 minutes to my trip!

Then I'm drunk

and every bright light in bumfuck

means more alcohol

and I stop and pick up a six pack

at the Kum and Go

Jizz and Jett

Break and Beat

gas station

I always claim I won't drink

but for the first one

till I get home later

cause it's late already

and I just need 3 more nightcaps

you know how that always works out...

kids

drunk driving isn't an extreme sport

cause the only prize is surviving

but hey

at least you won't be around to see them strip that medal

when you fail the drug test.

Ezhno Martin doesn't believe in god, pronouns, american exceptionalism, most conventions of capitalization, monogamy, any form of censorship, that 9/11 was real, casseroles, coming to a full stop at stop signs, chivalry, patriotism, hand washing after bathroom visits, rough sex, decorum, the importance of biological families, and/or that The New York Knick's are ever going to get their shit together.  Ezhno lives in Toledo, Ohio.  Ezhno is now from Toledo, Ohio, because that's how that works.  You can't misgender Ezhno, because Ezhno doesn't believe in genders, pronouns, safe spaces or any of that social-justice-warrior-rich-kid-with-a-complex bullshit.   Just say “nice ass” if you're feeling nervous or confused about the fact that the 6'2” Adonis that is Ezhno hates your counter culture just as much as the culture it opposes.