Wednesday, October 31, 2018
SMOKING JOE’S BAR, SOUTH SIDE, PITTSBURGH. by Dave Newman
I know I’m too old for this shit
but I when came back from pissing
and some dude was lounging on my stool
trying to chat up my wife
I stepped in and said “Can I get my seat back?”
and he looked me over
then looked over my wife
and said “You’re married to her?”
heavy on the you and her
to highlight the obvious
discrepancy in our looks
but he said it in a nice Irish brogue
he’s either from Ireland
and vacationing in Pittsburgh
or he grew up in Pittsburgh
eating corned beefed sandwiches
and has been drinking Guinness
Either way, I took it as a compliment—
people are often shocked that someone
as un-good-looking as me
married someone as good-looking
as my wife.
I took back my stool
and the Irish guy
disappeared into the bar.
I said to my wife “How was he?”
and she said “Kind of obnoxious but harmless”
and we went back to drinking and talking
until we were done.
As we were leaving
and here’s the part I’m too fucking old for
the Irish guy, in his friendly fake-ass Irish way
to what I think was
a head-butting contest
so before we could work out the details
I head-butted him
right on his fucking forehead
using the top of my skull
which is not good for much else
and he stumbled back
and grabbed his forehead
then tried to look up
and tried to force a smile
which is what harmless but obnoxious people do
when confronted by their own harmless obnoxiousness.
I said “Have a good night”
and my wife and I made our way
through the crowd and onto Carson Street.
She said “That was a lot of fun”
and I said “Yeah, Smoking Joe’s is a good bar.”
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