The gymnasium is packed to overflowing. Clusters of people chat as they stand underneath overhead banners. Signs bear slogans like “Wasn’t There For Me When I Needed Her”, “Said Something Insensitive and Never Even Noticed”, and “Didn’t Pay Rent on Time.”
The 61st annual “Why I Despise Leah” convention is the biggest ever.
An angry, twitching man speaks first. His unkempt gray, mutton-chop sideburns splay in all directions like errant Brillo pad strands. Poor guy looks like he’s been through hell and desperately needs a cigarette. “Leah dumped me at the lowest point of my life,” he spits. “My 12-step group said I don’t need to forgive her.”
Loud moan of disapproval from the crowd. A woman grabs the mic. “Let me tell you the truth about Leah. She made a joke about the state I’ve lived in my entire life. Sure, I criticize the place every chance I get. But your state is like family—you can trash it all you want, but if someone else does, you need to cut her out of your life immediately.”
The crowd murmurs, and an older woman snatches the microphone. A well-kept, upper-middle-class psychiatrist, she has analyzed exactly why Leah remains beyond redemption. “Leah and her husband rented a house from me. Leah got upset when the building became infested with rats and hired an attorney to demand that I fix the problem. Can you imagine?”
The crowd rumbles with anger, and a shy middle-aged man takes the mic. “Is this on?” he asks. “I’ve known Leah for over thirty years. We’ve traveled across the United States together. We’ve gotten drunk at the lake and wandered into alleys to have sex. In other words, we go back a long way, so I can speak with authority when I say the best way to deal with Leah is just to ghost her for a minor infraction, refuse to answer her emails, and tell her mutual friends what a pain in the ass she is.”
The crowd bursts into applause. Their morning is off to a great start. The convention will resume after a short intermission, followed by a small group/breakout session, then a plate lunch with gluten-free options. The afternoon schedule promises to be even more exciting.
Leah Mueller is an indie writer and spoken word performer from Bisbee, Arizona. She has published books with numerous small presses. Her most recent volumes, "Misguided Behavior, Tales of Poor Life Choices" (Czykmate Press), "Death and Heartbreak" (Weasel Press), and "Cocktails at Denny's" (Alien Buddha Press) were released in 2019. Leah’s work appears or is forthcoming in Blunderbuss, Citron Review, The Spectacle, Miracle Monocle, Outlook Springs, Atticus Review, Your Impossible Voice, and other publications. She won honorable mention in the 2012 Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry contest.
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