Wanted By John Patrick Robbins

                        

A horny preferably single woman or at least one that is free on weekends.

Must have her own vagina and ice maker, your heart does not count.

Modern day God within his own mind and 2000 Pushcart and Grammy nominated Mad editor.

Seeks a breeding vessel so he may create his heir to take his poetic zine kingdom.

This is a great honor to give birth to a genius child God.

Who will continue the lost art of bio writing which no one can do like the man who speaks about himself in third person.

Minus here because I don't wanna and I ain't gonna so nah nah.

Please send pictures and your resumes to Shady Pines mental facility subject line should read.

The John Patrick Robbins happy endings to him contest.

The lucky winner receives a lifetime subscription to field & stream magazine.

A vacation to any Motel 6 of their choosing.

An autographed Odin blindfold.

And a limited edition copy of Godzilla Vs  Nickelback in 3D.

Please note John will not take part of raising this annoying little bastard.

For he barely can stand himself let alone a dwarf version that never shuts the fuck up.

John is not responsible for any defects like a child being born with sunglasses and a weak liver and a sudden urge to chase nurses and strippers or strippers that are dressed up like nurses.

Please no female impersonators. I'm not falling for that shit again.

Because that was a few times in college and no that's not a handle to turn you over with!

Thank you and good luck.

Also ladies who go by their full name need not apply for this will be far too confusing.

Really, have you ever tried to have sex in a tree in a hurricane and say someone's full name you just met as you climax ????

Yeah I thought not.

And as I pen this I have to question just how many dudes read this to the not so bitter or sober end?

Wow your really fucked up you know that?

Of course you are reading work by me so yep enough said.

Please stay tuned for an amusing slightly intoxicated bio from yours truly.

Cheers you demented little hamster you!

John Patrick Robbins, is the greatest bio writer in history as he was awarded this title by Odin.

He currently is viking poet laureate of Hel.

He enjoys smooth jazz and crushing his child enemies on Xbox live where he is currently banned from due to threatening a ten year old who dare challenge his greatness.

His kingdom is number one trading port in all Norway where also heads his black death metal band.

The Up With Satan Singers.

He enjoys finger painting in his victims blood.

He has been published in the greatest magazines in the galaxy including.

Hustler, Family Circle, Tiger Beat, The Death Row Semi-quarterly, Screw, Jugs, Thors Hammer & Modern Viking Apparel catalog and some shithole called the Dope Fiend Daily.

He appreciates writers sending there addresses with there submissions it makes it way easier to stalk them.

He is allergic to lit snobs and grammar nazis.

And sparky twats who attempt humor because most lit humor is shit humor.

He is the current curator to the John Patrick Robbins historic society and also runs the gift shop.

That is currently selling a wide array of engraved throwing axes.

He is a proud Heathen and also he likes to party.