Saint Elmo's Fire By C.S. Mathews

There are stories of fires
that dance across the bows of ships
in tempestuous storms
casting ghost light on the damned
as men frantically fight to right a sinking vessel
to survive

Saint Elmo’s fire

is also the name of a song
that plays in victory
though so many ships failed
crews died
beneath these ghost lights

am I alive

when, in early light,
I see spectral orbs dance about me

is it in my eyes

the halo that forms around me
perhaps a distortion of the very air

and in closing my eyes
I see it imprinted there
on the inside on my lids

pulsing

rhythmic in its absolution.
and I often wonder if I can hear it
a soft hum of particles excited into motion
or if I'm merely breathing
I often can't tell If I breathe
if air exists

is it all just in my mind

if I still myself long enough
resist the urge to inhale
the ghost lights appear
growing strong with every second
until my vision is filled with light
and darkness
it's beautiful

are there realities beyond this

were the spectral flames but guides
that called sailors into night
bright with stars
as water replaces air
if air was ever there
until they saw true beauty

why won't my body let me go there

Do I need a flaming guide
to reach the other side?
would drowning do?

there has to be something better than this

C.S. Mathews is the coauthor of Fearful Architecture and an editor for The Grindstone Magazine and Wheel Works Publishing. Having cut her teeth as an independent journalist and medic during the 2020 protests, their work focuses heavily on activism, their indigenaity, truama, and her experiences being transgender.