THIS IS NOT A PIPE By Glenn Armstrong

I miss smoking or ingesting nicotine 

in any form. Coffee and cigarettes

built America. You didn’t have all 

these prima donnas afraid to die, 

wanting to live to 120 or forever 

after the Singularity or whatever. 

It’s just that dying of lung cancer doesn’t 

appeal to me. I could stand to lose 

some weight, but why is it that people 

in the Before pictures of these diet 

plan commercials look happier fat

than in their thin After photos? Still, I don’t

like wheezing when I bend over or climb

the stairs. Whatever happened to that Atlanta 

girl who worked the Macy’s perfume 

counter? “Guys don’t need to count calories,”

she said. Dammit, I should have kissed her 

when we were alone, but I’ve always

gravitated toward the wrong women. I think 

I’ll have another slice of pecan pie. 

 Glenn Armstrong has been a journalist, art model, and monk. His work has appeared in The Dillydoun Review, The Beatnik Cowboy, and The Rye Whiskey Review. He lives in San Diego.