Last Night, Again By Heather Kays

If I say it was the last time

enough times,

maybe one of them

will be true.

I swear I’ll put down the glass,

walk away from the edge,

stop chasing the fire

that burns me whole.

But the night calls with familiar voices,

a siren song of smoke and shadows,

and I’m drawn back

to the place I promised myself I’d leave.

Last night was the last night,

I told myself—

but the morning never listens.

And one night folds into the next 

and into the next 

and into oblivion. 

Regret, shame, repeat. 

Regret, shame, repeat. 

Regret, shame, repeat. 

I wonder if I will ever be clean. 

I've stopped apologizing to myself... 

Because I know without changed behavior 

It's just pretty lies and lip service. 

And here I am again,

in the wreckage of promises,

counting ash instead of stars,

waiting for the next last time.

Heather Kays is a St. Louis-based poet and author passionate about writing since age 7. Her memoir, Pieces of Us, dissects her mother’s struggles with alcoholism and addiction. Her YA novel, Lila’s Letters, focuses on healing through unsent letters. She runs The Alchemists, an online writing group, and enjoys discussing creativity and complex narratives.