Last-Chance Charlie by Beau Johnson

You ready to listen, then?  Cool.

Me, I’ve always found it hard to conform.  I have tried, of course, as most of us do, but when I begin to understand this world for what it is, this is about the time my inner fuck-you decides to speak up.  And maybe this isn’t really about conformity at all.  Maybe we go with who can persuade who best.  Yeah, let’s go with that.  It’s putting things mildly, I suppose, as I have never taken shit per se, but then again, once you look at me, you’d probably think twice before attempting such a thing.

Fine, I’ll just say it: I’m huge.  Always have been.  Probably always will be.  I work at it, sure, but I also have one of those faces which seem to put people off.  Not my fault, no, but there all the same.

Still, I give no fucks.  Never have.  Never will.  I care, sure, but only as much as the next bloke looking to get paid.  I’d like to say I’m better than this, that my parents raised me as such, but no, not once I realized how this world really works, as I think I’ve already said.  Any of this getting through, Hector?  Good.  Be a waste of both our time if we continued to what, misunderstand one another?  Is that what this is?

Ah, there it is.  And Hector, you were doing so well.  Couldn’t help yourself, though, could you?  I know.  I know.  If I thought as much of myself as you think of yourself, I’d consider myself untouchable too.  None of us are untouchable, though.  You know this now.  I can see it.  Brings us right back to square one is what it does, and we both know what that means.  Oh, you can keep that hard-ass look all you want, sure, but I put up one of these here meat shovels to your chest, how many rabbits you think I’m gonna feel exactly?  Yeah, what I thought.  Means we maybe get to it, then.  Before your next set of homies work up the courage and decide to make a play.  Truth be told, I hope they try.  Been far too long I’ve had this much fun.

Where was I…

Oh yes.

Now, since we are so nice and comfortable-like, I’m gonna give you something, Hector: your one more chance to make this right.  You do that, I take no more of your men apart.  You do that, I make it quick and all you end up seeing is dark.

You need another moment?  Really?  You do see I chopped your boy Tyrell here into six distinct pieces, right?  Fine, check this.  What, you never seen the inside of another man’s neck before?  Hector, my man, I’m starting to think you aren’t as hardcore as you’ve been letting on.  You a poser, Homes?  Is that what this is?  I hope not.  I mean, not that I care, but it still makes me wonder about how you’ve been putting yourself to sleep at night.

Okay.  I’ve gotten a wee bit off track here.  Let’s start from the top.  The ransom, again, it will not be paid.  This little endeavor of yours coming to an end the moment my name entered a conversation neither of us heard.  You didn’t know this, I didn’t know this, but you, my friend, you most certainly do now.  You answer, it’s as I said: I give you the dark.  You give me some half-ass line in regards to you being unaware of her location, well, I suggest you go and take one last look at how I’ve arranged the men you used to call friends. Maybe think about how long it is a man can survive without his feet and hands too.  I say half hour.  Sure.  Why not.  Maybe we try to go somewhere above that number, doing so by bringing this blowtorch into play.  You ever smell cooked flesh, Hector?  Nah, me either.  However, and just for the record, I’d like to state that I am the kind of man who is willing to try anything once.

Now, if you please, and for the last fucking time: where’s the girl?

Beau Johnson has been published before, usually on the darker side of town.  Such fine establishments might include Out of the Gutter Online, Shotgun Honey, Story and Grit, Spelk, and the Molotov Cocktail.  He is the author of A Better Kind of Hate and The Big Machine Eats, both published by Down and Out Books.  He would like it to be known that he enjoys both Beckys from Roseanne equally.  You can connect with him at all the regular haunts, Facebook and Instagram, and over at the Twitter as @beaujohnson44.