The kids always hated the shit their parents forced them to do for church. And every December it never failed Tommy got caught up in bullshit he didn't give a fuck about. Which if he had not been at the mercy of his family and ball busting mother. He wouldn't be standing here freezing his balls off.
Standing as a lawn ornament at the living nativity.
Playing Joseph to that pain in the ass bitch Tammy, who was playing Mary.
Tommy's buddy Riley gave him shit the whole time.
"Hey dude being your old lady cheated on you with God , want to slip off and burn one?”
"Shut the fuck up Riley!”
"Hey dude when you tap your old lady and she gets to saying oh God! Do you get jealous?"
He had to crack up at that one.
"You guys are disgusting."
Tammy piped in.
She was good looking enough, but a total stuck up bitch.
Riley lit up a joint nobody was around and his fellow wise men were all about as bored as him.
"I cannot believe you guys are getting high!"
"Lighten the hell up Tammy, you know just cause you're God's favorite go to girl, doesn't make you better than everyone."
Tammy just glared at us all, as we all took a hit of the passed around joint.
She was truly pissed off.
Unlike them, she took everything seriously.
Tommy was silent, Riley never shut the hell up.
"Hey Mary, I mean Tammy I am just joking."
"Well it's not funny you prick."
We were all getting buzzed and began giggling like a bunch of stupid kids that we were.
Riley kneeled down next to Tammy, he always had a way with the girls.
"Hell you're right I am sorry we're just bored is all, I apologize."
Martin and Philip just kept giggling and Tommy was buzzed and trying not to burst out in a laughing spell.
Weed always kicked his ass.
Riley comforted Tammy and got her calmed down by kissing her ass as usual.
He had her finally calming down when he looked at Tommy and knew from his devilish grin he just couldn't resist.
"You know Tammy, something I have always wondered about Mary. "
Tammy although she should have known better still walked right into the trap.
"What's that Riley?"
"Well you ever wonder if God had a big dick?"
They all busted up laughing, Tammy was far from amused.
I took the last drag of the ever dying joint.
Just then an older couple drove up.
"Fuck Tommy toss that joint dumb ass!"
Tommy didn't think about anything but not getting busted by this old couple smoking weed in the damn living nativity of all places.
He tossed the damn joint as the couple approached and just prayed he could keep a straight face.
The couple stared at them, it was an awkward scene.
They took pictures, it was a weird experience being a human statue.
It all seemed to be going okay until the smell hit him.
"Arthur do you smell something burning?"
The old woman asked her husband.
It was just then, Tommy looked down and saw it.
The joint had landed in baby Jesus, bed of hay.
Martin and Philip lost it and so did the rest of the kids, well besides Tammy.
Who just screamed and ran away.
Tommy literally rolled on the ground laughing as the little plastic Jesus went up like Grenoble.
And all too soon the preacher came running with a fire extinguisher.
The woman just about fainted and the old man acted like he wanted to kick their asses along with the preacher.
And that was the last time Knotts Island Methodist church ever tried to host a living nativity again.
They all got our asses torn up but Tommy just about pissed himself from laughing.
Least he wasn't asked to be part of the festivities anymore.
I'm sorry plastic Jesus.
But I was on drugs.
Fin
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totally and completely 'teenagers' the voices are exact. OMG!!! A xmas to be remembered.
ReplyDeleteFantastic! I was raised Roman Catholic and was just thinking today what a brutal, stupid socio-metaphysics it is. Great Christmas story!
ReplyDelete