My “Disease” by Brian Rihlmann

In 2016 I quit drinking 

for seven months

went back on the meds

started seeing a shrink

all to cope with a gym job 

I was no longer suited for

stuck there behind the front desk 

interacting with people 

who had once been friends 

when I was just a member

but who now saw the opportunity 

to harass me in various ways 

because I had become an employee 

and couldn’t fight back

I became hostile 

more and more silent

I killed them

with my silence

when they teased me

about my crankiness 

my moodiness 

or any number of personality quirks 

I got to hate their faces

more and more

I’d awaken at three a.m.

look in the mirror 

and the voices in my head

would whisper

about the indignities 

I was sure to endure

that day

one day a member

interrupted my daydreams 

to ask for the key to the cooler

with all the protein shakes

and I threw it at him

he said that was

uncalled for 

and walked out 

and I thought

What the fuck

is wrong with me?

I sought help...

the help didn’t help

eventually I realized—

I’ve just got to

get outta here

it felt too much like junior high

in whatever town you grew up in—

a big, extended, toxic 

dysfunctional family 

a hundred or so

brothers and sisters 

you really can’t stand 

most of these assholes

but you’re stuck with them

and the adults are always telling you

how you don’t REALLY 

hate so-and-so

and to “be nice”

and pretty soon

you don’t know any better

except you do

Brian Rihlmann lives in Reno, Nevada. His work has appeared in many magazines, including The Rye Whiskey Review, Chiron Review, The Main Street Rag, The American Journal Of Poetry, and New York Quarterly. He has authored three collections of poetry, most recently “A Screaming Place,” (2021) by Cajun Mutt Press.