Friday, August 26, 2022

Event Horizon by C.S. Mathews

A body is constantly dying
regenerating cells that blink out
stars in a an Arizonian sky
to be replaced by explosions in nebula clouds
until around 25 

when your first cell dies 
and isn't replaced in the sky 

no pop of light
no gaseous flame to ignite under super-dense fight
no gravity to draw into orbit solar systems 
just 

nothing 

But it's okay
'cause cells are dying and being born constantly 
you can afford to miss a few
even if the number is growing as calendar pages flit by
and your wondering if this is life
now constrained by the razor edge of 35
and you know it's started in earnest 

the heat death 

that this is the beginning of the end 
and you've just got your shit together (ish)
and you've still got years to live
but your body is dying faster than living
and your obsessed with years wasted 
opportunities not taken 

and now 40
in a blink, its there
five more years gone 
and something is building
a pressure of gravity that looms
slowly consumes all that your body builds
but you can't see it
only feel the pressure behind your every cell 

Is this Hell?
the pain you feel at 55
15 years past in the blink of an eye
you know it only gets worse from here
but now you're living the life you wanted at 22
if only that feeling
that clawing thing at the back of your reality 
would stop 

but you take it slow 
cause you know its a black-hole
and it's gravity ever grows 
as your 50s sit two decades behind 
and you're still working just to get by 

you think you're at peace
but the reality lies in the fact that you're terrified 
cant comprehend what lies on the other side
and it's looming
the event horizon of a long life
as your memories drift in 
and your brain becomes smooth as a babies skin 

god
you were once alive




C.S. Mathews is the coauthor of Fearful Architecture and an editor for The Grindstone Magazine and Wheel Works Publishing. Having cut her teeth as an independent journalist and medic during the 2020 protests, their work focuses heavily on activism, their indigenaity, truama, and her experiences being transgender.


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