Event Horizon by C.S. Mathews

A body is constantly dying

regenerating cells that blink out

stars in a an Arizonian sky

to be replaced by explosions in nebula clouds

until around 25 

when your first cell dies 

and isn't replaced in the sky 

no pop of light

no gaseous flame to ignite under super-dense fight

no gravity to draw into orbit solar systems 

just 

nothing 

But it's okay

'cause cells are dying and being born constantly 

you can afford to miss a few

even if the number is growing as calendar pages flit by

and your wondering if this is life

now constrained by the razor edge of 35

and you know it's started in earnest 

the heat death 

that this is the beginning of the end 

and you've just got your shit together (ish)

and you've still got years to live

but your body is dying faster than living

and your obsessed with years wasted 

opportunities not taken 

and now 40

in a blink, its there

five more years gone 

and something is building

a pressure of gravity that looms

slowly consumes all that your body builds

but you can't see it

only feel the pressure behind your every cell 

Is this Hell?

the pain you feel at 55

15 years past in the blink of an eye

you know it only gets worse from here

but now you're living the life you wanted at 22

if only that feeling

that clawing thing at the back of your reality 

would stop 

but you take it slow 

cause you know its a black-hole

and it's gravity ever grows 

as your 50s sit two decades behind 

and you're still working just to get by 

you think you're at peace

but the reality lies in the fact that you're terrified 

cant comprehend what lies on the other side

and it's looming

the event horizon of a long life

as your memories drift in 

and your brain becomes smooth as a babies skin 

god

you were once alive

C.S. Mathews is the coauthor of Fearful Architecture and an editor for The Grindstone Magazine and Wheel Works Publishing. Having cut her teeth as an independent journalist and medic during the 2020 protests, their work focuses heavily on activism, their indigenaity, truama, and her experiences being transgender.