He Drove The Short Bus by John Patrick Robbins

I stood there in line, sweating bullets and last night's booze.

The village idiots all spoke as if this was a grand social gathering.

The lard ass dude behind the register flirting with some preteen idiots.

Who were too young to be on my radar and way too fucking annoying to be sharing my oxygen.

They joked back and forth standing off to the side, as some inbred dumbass a few clicks back kept saying.

"I'm their bus driver!"

Which I know is far from clever but this is an actual true story. So pardon the lack of polish but you cannot make this shit up.

The acne victim porky pig cashier for some reason had found it amusing to cut a short bus joke.

Which in this era, of sensitive pussy cancel culture fucks, I would normally applaud.

But being I was in the need to rehydrate and extremely hungover.

Well, let's just say I was far from in the mood to be entertained.

The teeny boppers didn't grasp the clerk's joke.

"Umm, our bus isn't short you dork!"

"Yeah you tell him sweetheart! It's long and big and I drive it!"

The clearly not playing with a full deck bus driver so eagerly  interjected.

As everyone whose family tree didn't fork seemed highly amused by this scene.

Well besides myself whose I.Q. was a bit higher than a 4th grader.

At least I was finally being waited on as this hee-haw good time hour continued.

As the girls continued to flirt with the young walrus behind the counter.

My bullshit meter was broken and being on my best days I wanted to gently bludgeon most people to death.

I finally snapped, stopping these airheads mid sentence.

"Look bitch!, not to burst your bubblegum laced bubble.  But this is a fucking store! Not a goddamned sock hop!"

The place had gone dead silent.

Not due to the fact I was yelling, but largely as these kids were probably trying to figure out what a sock hop was.

"Umm, what's your deal dude?"

The five foot whatever kid in glasses asked.

"Honestly, I'm hung the fuck over and sick of your mindless babble. 

And just to help you from straining yourself. What Fatty Arbuckle here is saying, is your fucking stupid that's why you ride the short bus!"

"Dude I didn't mean it like that!"

The clerk pipped in.

"No porky, you're right you are trying to flirt so I apologize, so do me a favor and ring up a mirror as a gift on me."

"What's the mirror for you prick?"

"Well honestly kid, I thought you may want to see new sights. Like your dick or balls drop but my bad, now ring me the fuck up so I can get out of this shit box!"

"Hey you're a real asshole you know that!"

The girl interrupted as I had to fight laughing at her spunk. As everyone else seemed befuddled I simply went to a store to purchase items and simply get the fuck out.

"And you sweetheart, are living breathing proof that it is far better for most men to simply pull out."

The guy behind me cracked up as the clerk fought, laughing as well.

As the two girls just went silent as I at last paid my tab and carried my hungover ass.

And as I exited the Dollar General on the ever so ordinary Knotts Island.

I almost bumped into a woman dressed as snow white.

"What the fuck dude!, watch where your walking asshole!"

As I stood there for once in my life, at a loss for words. Staring at this real life Disney character's fantastic cleavage.

Wondering where the fuck were those seven short fucks and questioning if they were hiding under her dress.

As snow white simply shook her head calling me a loser.

As she faded from my existence leaving her image to plague my perverted thoughts.

Making the hell that was my life on this Island a little more tolerable.

As no matter the location I would always love all Hallows Eve.

As the man who drove the bus paused looking at me, his groceries in hand.

"Wow buddy, that Cinderella bitch is hot huh?"

As he reminded me yet again he drove the bus before he walked off.

And I wished only that said bus were headed towards the nearest cliff.

Sometimes I'm truly all heart, aside for the rest of me that is.

Cheers.

John Patrick Robbins, was voted most likely to end up incarcerated in high school. 

He holds many accolades within his mind and a few gold stars from his parole officer.

He once was sane but we all fall down sometimes.

When not chasing after a woman who rather remain unnamed for she has common sense unlike himself.

He finds himself alone crying himself to sleep with his stuffed koala collection.

He also collects fine whiskeys which he stores in his gut and dispenses off on his pain in the ass neighbors while they sleep.

He runs several journals and will be jumping off a bridge shortly after sharing this write. The water is very cold so excuse the shrinkage.

Wow I'm almost average poet height now.

He once read a book, it had nice pictures.